Now I know that many of you are feeling happy about the work the Trump administration has been doing so far. And I can understand that. They’ve accomplished some great things. They’ve rendered the lies of the news media as irrelevant as the maunderings of a mentally deranged man wandering the sidewalks shouting his paranoid delusions into the empty air until suddenly you think to yourself, ”Oh hey, look, that’s Brain Stelter.” They’ve protected girls from hulking predators who think they’re women instead of what they are, which is hulking predators who think they’re women instead of what they are. They’ve begun to ferret out government waste and fraud causing Democrats to pour into the streets crying “Give us back our waste and fraud!” which is even funnier to watch than that time Joe Biden fell down a flight of stairs and the news media told us this was the best and sharpest Joe Biden ever, which might have actually been true, which is part of what made it so funny, but still not as funny as watching Democrats protest the end of waste and fraud. Just in general, the Trump administration has fought back against the vast leftist conspiracy to dismantle western freedoms, so leftists can get back to doing fun leftist things, like in the sixties when they sang rock songs and used drugs and celebrated free sex until they realized, “Oh no, we’re in the Manson cult.” Those were the good old days, for leftists.

And yes, many of Trump’s actions have made ordinary Americans watch the news at night and then dance around their bedrooms in their underwear as if they were in some Chippendale revival of Riverdance or an underwear version of some big Broadway musical production number where everyone forms a kickline and sings about the brotherhood of man until your wife tells you knock it off and come to bed before you wake up the kids and anyway you look like an idiot.

But still, even in these moments of celebration, it’s important we note the times when the administration oversteps its mandate and does something we can’t approve of. Like the other day, for instance, when Vice President JD Vance gave a mean speech in Munich and made the Germans cry.

That’s not nice. After all, the Germans are our allies when they’re not trying to lay waste to human civilization, and here JD Vance was hectoring them about how they should stop censoring speech, and stop threatening to annul elections and stop letting millions of Islamists into their country to do jobs Germans have historically been able to do for themselves, like hating Jews and murdering people.

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And after the vice president’s speech, the German chair of the conference, Adolf von Shmendrick — or whatever his name was, I didn’t check because I thought we’d gotten rid of the Germans already, but apparently they’re back for some reason. Anyway, this Adolf von Shmendrick guy got up to speak and started choking back tears and saying it just wasn’t fair, the way America kept getting in Germany’s way every time Germany started to work up a really good head of steam. 

Between snuffles and sniffles and occasional sneezles and even a quiet boo hoo hoo, Chairman von Shmendrick said, “In World War One, Americans ruined our brilliant plan to wage trench warfare over fifteen feet of lifeless French mud for the rest of history. In World War Two, Americans reduced our nation to rubble after we had raised it to the very heights of barbarism. And now, when we finally figure out how to destroy Europe without firing a shot, you turn up again and lecture us about western values like free speech. Let me remind you, it was the German people of the 1920s who used hate speech laws to shut down Nazi rhetoric and prevent Hitler from making appearances, and that worked out great.”

So remember, my fellow Americans, as happy as we may be with the Trump administration’s efforts to restore American greatness, we must always maintain a concerned expression on our faces when we think of our sad European allies while we’re Riverdancing in our underwear.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.