Well, my friends, this is my final post before Christmas break. So as we approach this holiest of holy days, I would like to set all the political animosity aside, and reach out in love and charity to all people made in the image of God, and also to Democrats, and deliver a seasonal message full of lofty-sounding sentiments that seem uplifting on first hearing only because, when studied carefully, they reveal themselves to be empty of anything resembling wisdom or even meaning. And I want to speak these empty phrases in a pious-sounding voice like this one so that they sound like they either come from the heart or from one of those excruciatingly worthy NPR reports about the art of flute-making among Amazonian Kumonga-Bonga tribesmen or some other bull-pucky you couldn’t care less about, but you can’t turn it off because then people will think you don’t like primitive indigenous people which, of course, you don’t but if you wanted anyone to know that, you wouldn’t be listening to NPR in the first place.

And when I deliver these pseudo-deep yuletide meditations, I want to rely on a lot of cutesy, unnecessarily allusive phrases like “this festive season of the year,” or “the babe laid in a manger,” instead of just saying Christmas or Jesus like any normal person. Do you think Jesus’s mother called him “the babe laid in a manger?” Like, “Hey, babe laid in a manger, make sure you’re back by dinnertime and don’t forget to wear your helmet when you’re riding your bike.” Of course not. They probably didn’t even have helmets then since it was back in olden times.

So without further ado — and before I get sick of talking like some shmuck on the classical music station — let me get to this year’s Christmas message.

You know, at this festive season of the year, when our thoughts turn once again to that babe laid in a manger so very long ago when there were still mangers, but you couldn’t get a bike helmet for love or money, it’s customary for us to go shopping for gifts. Uncle Harry wants a new tie because he got so smashed last Christmas he spilled gravy on his old tie and had to spend the entire year telling people it was handmade by South American craftsmen and what looked like a gravy stain was actually an outline of Argentina. Little Tommy wants a telescope because little Julie across the street keeps forgetting to draw the curtains before she gets ready for bed. And Mom, who’s always so sweetly selfless, just wants a modest little ticket to Pittsburgh and a new social security number along with a driver’s license with her picture on it but an entirely different name.

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But is buying presents really what this festive season of the year is all about? Or is it about that child laid in a manger back in olden times and the shepherds who were watching their flocks by night when an angel of the Lord appeared before them and said, “Don’t be afraid. Because lo, a savior has been born to you who will return to judge you for your sins. So wait, I take back what I said about not being afraid. You should probably be scared out of your wits. But never mind that. Go to Bethlehem and see where this child is laid in a manger, and if you find out what a manger is, send word. And bring him gifts like, I don’t know, maybe a lamb chop or something. You’re shepherds. You figure it out. Only leave the little drummer boy home this year because if he wakes that kid up after Mary finally gets him to sleep, she’s gonna slap his face off.” Then the angel vanished and a heavenly host appeared singing “Peace on earth to men of good will. But the rest of you are screwed.”

So in conclusion, let me just remind you that, when you get your religion from chintzy sentiment like this, you get what you deserve.

And believe me, you do not want that.

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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.